Category Archives: health

I Want a New Drug

I did write this, but I don’t remember why exactly. For a class I was taking? It was pre-legalization and pre-dispensaries, so there’s that.
Anyway.
Oh, the places you’ll go when you clean out your file drawers.
 
 
Alpha-Hendrixanol™ (as advertised in AARP Magazine) Developed by the Pheelgood School of Herbal Energetics
Wouldn’t you like to turn back the clock and regain the joi de vivre you had in your twenties? What if you could recapture the ability to attend concerts at the Fillmore without suffering the ill effects of back pain and second-hand marijuana smoke? Is your answer to these questions “Right on, man”? Then try Alpha-Hendrixanol™ and once again feel the excitement and zest for life you could have felt if you hadn’t been such a pussy and missed going to Woodstock when you had the chance.
 
Mild side effects you may experience with Alpha-Hendrixanol™ include a desire to wear bell bottoms and tie-dyed T-shirts and burn the American flag. Some patients have reported sudden and aggressive hair growth. In some cases, patients taking Alpha-Hendrixanol™ report difficulty staying awake, while others have observed an inexplicable craving for foods that are salty, sweet, soft, crunchy, sticky, spicy or chocolate.
 
Other more serious side effects include sleeping on other people’s couches, having indiscriminate sex with people of all genders, and a desire to “tune in and drop out.” Some patients find their speech is impaired to a greater or lesser degree, with uncontrollable outbursts of profanity occurring in situations that are stressful, such as weddings, Thanksgiving dinners, graduation ceremonies, trips to the supermarket, waiting in line at Starbucks, reading the newspaper, walking the dog or brushing their teeth.

There have been some reports of patients sitting on the sidewalk with little hand-made signs asking for spare smiles or perhaps a hug. Patients who experience a desire to take back the park or stick it to the man should contact their doctor immediately.
 
Extended use of Alpha-Hendrixanol™ may result in patients’ unfounded paranoia and a recurrence of disturbing déjà vu experiences, resulting in hours spent online Googling the names of all the people who were mean to them in junior high. Isolated patients have also tracked down these offenders on Facebook, friended them, and then deliberately unfriended them, just to get even. Patients who experience these side effects should stop taking Alpha-Hendrixanol™, step away from their computers, maybe loosen their headbands a little, and peace out.
 
The rare patient will feel a powerful urge to macramé plant holders or buy ZigZag papers, while others have reported hearing the lyrics to the Beatles’ “Revolution Number Nine” over and over inside their heads. Some patients have also claimed that they are the walrus, goo goo g’joob.
 
In extremely rare cases, patients taking Alpha-Hendrixanol™ have gone skinny-dipping in public fountains or baby pools while doing long air-guitar riffs.
Alpha-Hendrixanol™ can cause symptoms that resemble death, but thankfully, these don’t last very long. If you can’t tell the difference, discontinue use and contact your doctor.

(Note: Due to a manufacturing recall, doctors recommend not taking the brown ones.)
And now for another blast from the past.


Playlist for March 22: A hip medley

If they allowed me a playlist for tomorrow, it would have to include these three tunes. Thanks for all the good wishes from near and far.  

The Writing Year in Review: 2017

I’m copying (stealing?) this idea from a new author friend, Erika Mailman. In a year where it felt like I didn’t do much writing, it’s good to look back and see what I actually did. It felt like a rather unproductive year, writing-wise, but the evidence shows it wasn’t as unproductive as I thought. ForContinue Reading

The Boys are Back in Town!

I had not assigned a gender to my teeth prior to this post. For all I know, they are girly teeth–but the point is I got my new long-term temporary obturator today, and it includes facsimiles of my dearly departed molars. I’m sure it’ll take some time getting used to having teeth up there afterContinue Reading

One Fine Day

I don’t want to forget that this happened, finally. One fine day this week, I woke up and didn’t feel different, didn’t hurt anywhere, didn’t think about the strange new arrangement inside my mouth. I just woke up, opened my eyes, and thought about what I wanted to get done that day. It was theContinue Reading

Numb and Number: Or, Healing is Not for Sissies

It’s now been five weeks since my surgery. Although I look almost normal, with some visible swelling on the right side of my face, I still feel as though I am wearing one of these: I can tell the numbness is going away by the sometimes tingly, sometimes sharp messages I’m getting from the nervesContinue Reading

Healing Update: In Which we observe Changes That Have Occurred in the two-plus weeks after surgery

Some things are the same, and a few have changed, slightly. Same: numbness, sensitivity, eating/swallowing related challenges, and getting used to the obturator. I have been getting better at taking it out for cleaning and putting it back in, and was reminded of the story about Eeyore’s unhappy birthday. No one can throw a pityContinue Reading

An Update on the Fiendish Thingy

As  friends and family are aware, I had surgery one week ago today to remove a benign tumor from my upper jaw. I’ve written about this tumor before, a couple of times. It may be too much information, but here is a health update on the ameloblastoma that I refer to as “the fiendish thingy.”(AndContinue Reading