I did write this, but I don’t remember why exactly. For a class I was taking? It was pre-legalization and pre-dispensaries, so there’s that.
Anyway.
Oh, the places you’ll go when you clean out your file drawers.
Alpha-Hendrixanol™ (as advertised in AARP Magazine) Developed by the Pheelgood School of Herbal Energetics
Wouldn’t you like to turn back the clock and regain the joi de vivre you had in your twenties? What if you could recapture the ability to attend concerts at the Fillmore without suffering the ill effects of back pain and second-hand marijuana smoke? Is your answer to these questions “Right on, man”? Then try Alpha-Hendrixanol™ and once again feel the excitement and zest for life you could have felt if you hadn’t been such a pussy and missed going to Woodstock when you had the chance.
Mild side effects you may experience with Alpha-Hendrixanol™ include a desire to wear bell bottoms and tie-dyed T-shirts and burn the American flag. Some patients have reported sudden and aggressive hair growth. In some cases, patients taking Alpha-Hendrixanol™ report difficulty staying awake, while others have observed an inexplicable craving for foods that are salty, sweet, soft, crunchy, sticky, spicy or chocolate.
Other more serious side effects include sleeping on other people’s couches, having indiscriminate sex with people of all genders, and a desire to “tune in and drop out.” Some patients find their speech is impaired to a greater or lesser degree, with uncontrollable outbursts of profanity occurring in situations that are stressful, such as weddings, Thanksgiving dinners, graduation ceremonies, trips to the supermarket, waiting in line at Starbucks, reading the newspaper, walking the dog or brushing their teeth.
There have been some reports of patients sitting on the sidewalk with little hand-made signs asking for spare smiles or perhaps a hug. Patients who experience a desire to take back the park or stick it to the man should contact their doctor immediately.
Extended use of Alpha-Hendrixanol™ may result in patients’ unfounded paranoia and a recurrence of disturbing déjà vu experiences, resulting in hours spent online Googling the names of all the people who were mean to them in junior high. Isolated patients have also tracked down these offenders on Facebook, friended them, and then deliberately unfriended them, just to get even. Patients who experience these side effects should stop taking Alpha-Hendrixanol™, step away from their computers, maybe loosen their headbands a little, and peace out.
The rare patient will feel a powerful urge to macramé plant holders or buy ZigZag papers, while others have reported hearing the lyrics to the Beatles’ “Revolution Number Nine” over and over inside their heads. Some patients have also claimed that they are the walrus, goo goo g’joob.
In extremely rare cases, patients taking Alpha-Hendrixanol™ have gone skinny-dipping in public fountains or baby pools while doing long air-guitar riffs.
Alpha-Hendrixanol™ can cause symptoms that resemble death, but thankfully, these don’t last very long. If you can’t tell the difference, discontinue use and contact your doctor.
(Note: Due to a manufacturing recall, doctors recommend not taking the brown ones.)
And now for another blast from the past.