Tuna on sourdough with extra pickles

Life is good, right?

We had already decided that we didn’t want to have kids. We’d been married for a few years and were enjoying life as a young married couple with three cats in a cute one bedroom apartment. Why mess things up? I had little confidence in my ability to be a parent, we were living on not much, my husband was a full-time student, and we had a lot of parties. There were many good reasons not to mess with the status quo. Many. Can’t remember now what they were, but we had our reasons.

What the hell?? Suddenly, I wanted a baby!

And then the strangest thing happened.The minute I turned twenty-five, it was all I could think about.


It became topic A, B, and C.
I mean, I was almost ready to graduate from Cal, and clearly I wasn’t cut out to be a firefighter. My job at the law school was kind of a dead end. My husband was in law school (a different law school– not the one where I worked), and…I don’t know. I just wanted to have a baby. And suddenly, those good reasons not to didn’t seem to matter anymore. To me. And, eventually, to us. Everything became: What if?… What if?…What if?

I felt like I was going a little crazy. And that was before I got pregnant.

My body quickly kicked into production mode and there was no mistake about it: I ate tuna on sourdough (extra pickles) with such consistency that the lunch place I went to most days started making my sandwich when I walked in the door. I slept like Rip Van Winkle. I hated foods I used to love and vice versa. There were some mornings when I hit the Saltines pretty hard.Couldn’t stand the thought of crab or asparagus, for some reason. But couldn’t get enough of pasta oozing with cheese and drowning in sauce; I could have lived on manicotti and canneloni. Zoned out sitting up at work on more than one afternoon.
But otherwise, I felt really good.

All you can eat!

And what an exciting time! I finally finished my B.A. at Berkeley a mere nine years after I started  as a student there– walked across the stage to get my diploma wearing a maternity dress instead of a cap and gown. My husband graduated from law school that spring and began job hunting. Our lives were going to change in a lot of ways.

We had no idea…

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